Seinfeld

Ik hou zoveel van Seinfeld dat ik soms doe alsof ik ook in zo’n serie woon. Dan doe ik alsof alles wat ik zeg gestroomlijnd, gevat en grappig is en dat iedereen daar om moet lachen. Dat één muur in mijn huis geen muur is, maar een tribune met mensen. Ik zou een soort George zijn.

Ik kijk seizoen drie.

1.
JERRY
You know there’s like always one location in your neighborhood, one store location that’s constantly changing hands.
Everybody has this in their neighborhood.
It’s a leather store, then it’s a yogurt shop, then it’s a pet supply.
It’s constantly changing and nobody can do business there.
It’s like some sort of Bermuda triangle of retail, you know?
Stores open up and then they just disappear without a trace.
Nobody knows what happened to ‘em.
I guess eventually when like aliens land in the mother ship from Close Encounters, the bottom will slowly open and all these store owners will come wondering out, in a daze going: I thought there would be more walk-in traffic didn’t you?

2.
ELAINE
What time is your job interview George?

GEORGE
9:45

JERRY
Remember, don’t whistle on the elevator.

GEORGE
Why not?

JERRY
That’s what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview, in ‘Death of a salesman’.

GEORGE
What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman, very encouraging.
The biggest loser in history of American literature.

ELAINE
All right, I’m gonna go.

JERRY
What time is the lesbian wedding?

ELAINE
9:30

GEORGE
Lesbian wedding. How do they work bride and groom out, what do they flip a coin?

ELAINE (zucht)
Yeah, they flip a coin.

GEORGE
What, was that not politically correct? It’s a legitimate question.

JERRY
I’m so tired. I’ll fall asleep on that train.

GEORGE
I get the feeling when lesbians are looking at me, they’re thinking: “That’s why I’m not heterosexual”.

3.

4.
GEORGE
…pianist. A classical pianist. She plays the piano. She’s a brilliant woman.
I-I-I sat in her living room… She played the Waldstein Sonata!
The Waldstein!
We did a crossword puzzle together, in bed.
It was the most fun I ever had in my entire life.
Did you hear me?
In my life!
Y’know?

(Jerry komt binnen.)

JERRY
Were you talking? I couldn’t hear anything.

GEORGE
I was telling you about Noel.

JERRY
Oh, Noel! Yeah, the one who plays bongos…

GEORGE (sarcastisch)
Heh heh heh… So side-splittingly funny…

JERRY
All right, I’m sorry. What about her?

GEORGE
What, you think I’m going to repeat the whole thing now?

JERRY
I know, you told me you like her, everything is going good.

GEORGE
No everything is not going good. I’m very uncomfortable. I have no power. I mean, why should she have the upper hand?
Once in my life I would like the upper hand. I have no hand– no hand at all.
She has the hand.
I have no hand…
How do I get the hand?!

JERRY
We all want the hand.
The hand is tough to get.
You gotta get the hand right from the opening.

GEORGE
She’s playing a recital this week at the McBierney School. You wanna hear her play? I got two extra tickets, you and Elaine could go…

JERRY
Yeah, that sounds like somethin’…

GEORGE
Then afterwards maybe we could all go out together. Y’know she’ll see me with my friends, she’ll observe me as I really am, as myself. Maybe I can get some hand that way.